It has been over a month since I last posted. Many a time I've found myself sitting at the computer, just staring at a blank screen, pathetically attempting to make some sense of what has been swirling around in my mind and heart. I just kept running into a brick wall. Figuratively, of course....although, I did feel like doing it for real a time or two.
Just within the last week have I finally found the words to even begin to journal again. *sigh* It's a slow process with me.
So...what two words would I use to describe this past month?
Wrestling.
{at first, I was going to type in capitols "frustration" but I realized that wrestling more aptly supplied meaning to my experience}
Rest.
If my soul was a professional wrestler, I'd be elite MMA quality. Who knew I could be so stubborn? {don't answer that} All that my soul longed for I fought against. Weird, I know. Kinda baffles me too.
It took me grappling with the idea that in order to have this rest I long for...me, myself and I have to get out of the way.
Many things contributed to this ordeal of my soul coming to a head...but really what set the bomb off was not being able to go to Burundi, staying home sick for two and a half of the three week "vacation", losing one of my sources of income and an overall sense of restlessness, and uselessness.
There was a lot of "why?" and "I'm tired" getting thrown around. Looking back, I had questions of the heart that I had conveniently pushed aside for the sake of my schedule, ministries, and general busyness of life that needed answers. Fears had to be faced. Realizing that I had put God in nicely organized boxes to fit my expectations, and that I truly didn't know the first thing about quieting my soul and LISTENING to Him was stretching, humbling and healing.
And the healing continues by His grace. Some of what I've dealt with seems quite trivial now, but I am so grateful that my Father in heaven didn't look down in scorn upon my silliness and finiteness, brushing me off in frustration for my inability to trust. But He faithfully directs and gently pursues.
I am being awakened to a rest that is oh! so sweet. God is good. No, beyond good...He is amazingly awesome.
I think I learned more from NOT going to Burundi then if I had...
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Dear Chelsea - I am praying. I wrote you an e-mail in response to this post. Love ya, Mrs. Parent
ReplyDeleteDearest Chels,
ReplyDeleteWhat a poignant and beautiful post that was. The human part of me is so sorry for the "wrestling" you've been going through, even though I know God is using it in your life. I never like so see people wrestling, though. And I myself don't like to wrestle. But I suppose that since God allows (and even initiates) wrestling all the time, I must not be like HIM in that reguard!!
Yikes. Here I am rambling on your comments. Maybe I might as well just call or leave you a note eh? :)
Love you much sweet friend!
Dear Chelsea - Oh boy! Can I RELATE! (Sorry....these "wrestlings" are not reserved for those young 20-something persons!
ReplyDeleteI recently read something that really blessed my heart. It'll be hard to put it in a nutshell, but I'll do my best:
God desires that we "mount up with wings like eagles" and promises that we CAN when our hope (rest) is entirely in Him. (Isaiah 40:31) An eagle, in order to be able to fly (soar) must use both wings. To use only one will just keep it on the ground going in circles. For ourselves, if we think of one wing as being "Surrender" and the other wing as being "Trust" we'll be able to mount above our difficulties (and things always look smaller when viewed from the heights.) With our wing of Surrender we say, "I want only Your will, Lord" and with our wing of Trust we say "I take You at Your Word...I believe what You say!"
I love word pictures and this one keeps coming back to mind.
Love you, Chelsea! Miss y'all.